When I was about 25 years old, my relationship broke up because it no longer felt right. I listened to my feelings and didn't know how, but I did know that the relationship had to end. I needed space to discover what I wanted for myself with my life. Before then, I thought it was enough to live a fairly superficial life with going out, parties and lots of shopping. I was well off and happy, I thought, but after a dream I was suddenly fed up with it all. As if something had snapped and I knew that everything would be different from then on.
In the last year of primary school, I held a presentation about drugs, seeing scary pictures and learning about hard drugs like speed and cocaine and heroin made me very scared. I had a certain image of junkies and I thought these people always looked like tramps and that they would steal from you. In the 3rd grade in high school, I actually started getting interested in drugs. It suddenly didn't look so dangerous at all. You could take something in doses, even take a simple "lick" of something on your fingertip and hey! you were super happy. Instead, I saw numerous benefits and loved using it with others. I told myself it was best to do this once every 3 months but at a certain point it became more frequent because I liked parties a lot.
When I started looking for what would be left of me if I stopped going to parties, that's when I found myself in a very deep hole. I really didn't consider myself a fun person at all. I was cranky and couldn't look forward to anything. This lasted quite a long time but I did have a lot of experiences during that time. I started traveling - went out of my comfort zone to see how people live their lives in a different way. At first I stopped only drugs and only a year later also alcohol. Little by little, I started to feel more clear and an intoxication was no longer necessary for a night full of joy. My self-image changed and I felt that inner peace within me was increasing.
I used to think it was something for pussies. I had no patience for the exercises and I didn't find that floating and wishy-washy cool at all. Despite my irritations and judgment, I wanted to give yoga a chance more and more often. I had an overflowing mind and after class that felt somewhat diminished so that was nice. In the beginning I was very focused on flexibility, how far could I do a pose and what did it look like. I wanted to be GOOD. Now, I am all about the inner experience. How do I feel today ? What do I need today ? And that it can all be a little slower in life is not an unnecessary luxury either.
During that depression period, I did not see myself going to be a mother in this life. I had zero faith in my own love and that I deserved to be one. What could I offer a child, and even in this world? Now I have faith in a better future for our children to which I want to contribute myself. I speak of happiness and gratitude for my dear boyfriend. With him, I dare parenthood in the future.
Have you experienced things that made your life turn out differently than you thought it would? Write them down for yourself. It can be enlightening to write them down and draw a conclusion. We all come from somewhere and have traveled a beautiful journey. Standing still from time to time to share such an insight makes me realise that I am actually doing quite oke, and that feels good.
